Ça plane pour moi.

I always thought that doing a triathlon would be really awesome. hmmm. Maybe I’ll work towards that after I learn how to swim and can run for much longer than a minute :)

Goals this school year.

- take my written driving test this fall (since I’ve finally studied for it :))

- take driving classes during winter quarter (or sooner)

- work out every day (or at least 5 times a week)

- save up money to buy a used car this summer.

- learn how to swim (or remember lol)

- have a successful rush this fall and maybe spring quarter as well.

- declare my double major with political science and english.

- get my GPA to a 3.5 by the end of spring quarter.

- and I’m sure I’ll have more to come (probably in the form of clubs and organizations).

Spark.

Sometimes I wish that I was science smart. If I was amazing at or interested in math or science and was an (idk mechanical or chemical) engineering major I’d be set after college. I’d have a certain career path to follow, no questions (I assume, don’t kill me). Instead, I have a decent understanding of large concepts and being able to analyze. I wish that perception and the study of humanities could guarantee me a stable career once I’m done with college. I may be able to try many different things (not necessarily successfully) and will have to constantly worry about the uncertainty that comes with being a humanities major. I’m excited about the numerous things that I can try to be successful in but I’m still waiting to find out what I’m passionate about. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be capable of being passionate about a career. All my life I’ve been comfortable with glimpses and moments of happiness, as if being happy all the time would somehow make the emotion less special or genuine. And I guess that’s how I feel about passion. I’m not someone who gets passionate about one thing for a long period of time. I’m always seeking something new. I will invest all of my focus and energy on one thing but once I’m done I want to move on to something that’s different and exciting to me. I guess I’m not ever going to be happy with one career or pursuit for the rest of my life. I’m going to try to constantly change and adapt to new things that interest me, as I try to do now. So that just leaves me in a state of uncertainty now and in the future. I wish I could be more comfortable with that. I hate not having an idea of what I’m going to do. When people ask me about my plans after college, I go with safe answers or make a joke out of it, as if there’s something unacceptable about not knowing what I’m going to do first. (I say first, because I’m sure that my first job or career opportunity won’t be the final one.) I can’t help but feel as frightened as I felt when I left high school and worried about college and my independence. I’m very happy to say that I’ve figured it out and am figuring it out. I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping myself busy so I wouldn’t think about these nagging thoughts that would keep me from enjoying my college experience. Of course with me being me I’ll always have these doubts that can be put to rest for a bit until they resurface. Time passes way too fast and I was thinking of all the things I want to try before I graduate, such as studying abroad, UCDC, hopefully one day being president of LSG, writing for New U, joining MEchA, etc. I can be quite ambitious lol I don’t know. I’m just looking for that lightbulb or whatever feeling to come that tells me, “this is what you were meant to do.” Until then, I’ll try to do as many things that I can manage and continue to enjoy the college experience that I have three more years of. Yay! lol to think that I was considering ways to graduate a year earlier…I’ll only try to do that if some huge life-altering opportunity comes up :) Until then, I’ll do my best to embrace uncertainty and the possibilities that it’ll bring.

midnight college student rant

I feel like I’m just going through these motions in college. not to sound cocky but I feel that going to college was the easy and safe choice for me. it’s four more years for me to decide what to do with my life. instead of going out into the real world to experience it and use that experience to figure myself out I went to college to remain dependent on my education safety net for a few more years. this quarter system keeps me busy but then when I have a break I feel lost and useless like I’m not doing enough in my life, just waiting. when I’m taking classes, I feel mentally stimulated and such but I ask myself for what? why is me knowing more things so important? I love learning new things and ways of thinking but I wonder how it’s going to help me live a happier life. will it? over the past year I’ve grown to accept myself more, but there’s this side of me that is constantly nagging at me and asking “seriously what are you going to do? where will you go from here?” it makes me mad because society expects us to find a way of being useful to society after college but I don’t know what my role will be. if you don’t have a reasonable role you’re considered lazy or undetermined. it’s discouraging. I know what I want to try but I don’t know how to get to where I want to be. I’m impatient. i think that whatever I end up doing I’ll have to approach it one step at a time rather than get discouraged or overwhelmed by the seeming impossibility or hopelessness of a goal. I’m not going to let these thoughts keep me from enjoying my college experience and whatnot but it’s something that’s always in the back of my mind. I’d love to just have an epiphany that makes me feel strongly about my future. Maybe I’m getting there. This quarter alone I freaken love my poli sci class like no other. It just makes me think about so many things I never put too much thought into. I walk out of there feeling empowered and it’s weird but for all i know petracca is just a great lecturer who makes everything sound important. Again I’m over thinking. I’m seriously my worst enemy. I really need to sleep before I drive myself completely crazy by staying up for the next few hours just thinking about this…
so I’ll do my best to lay these thoughts to rest.