F*** it, I feel great

My favorite quote has never played a bigger part in my life than now. I’m going to get through this because I’ve made it my goal to do so. I wouldn’t resist so much if you weren’t being so petty. I’d have more respect if you approached this in a more mature way.  But you know what, it’s okay I can deal with this, for the few, not all of you, even though you’re a part of it. I don’t feel like shit because I’m better than that. Your words won’t bring me down. They just make me want to shove my awesomeness in your face lol but no really keep approaching this in a petty way and I’ll keep my head high because I have too much pride to quit when I know I can do this. In the end, I do want to be a part of this, but I’ll play a different part. I won’t be the petty person you may expect me to be. I’ll be me and I’ll make this process better for others. The end result will definitely be satisfying and I can’t wait…to make much needed changes.

I feel like I’m just going through these motions in college. not to sound cocky but I feel that going to college was the easy and safe choice for me. it’s four more years for me to decide what to do with my life. instead of going out into the real world to experience it and use that experience to figure myself out I went to college to remain dependent on my education safety net for a few more years. this quarter system keeps me busy but then when I have a break I feel lost and useless like I’m not doing enough in my life, just waiting. when I’m taking classes, I feel mentally stimulated and such but I ask myself for what? why is me knowing more things so important? I love learning new things and ways of thinking but I wonder how it’s going to help me live a happier life. will it? over the past year I’ve grown to accept myself more, but there’s this side of me that is constantly nagging at me and asking “seriously what are you going to do? where will you go from here?” it makes me mad because society expects us to find a way of being useful to society after college but I don’t know what my role will be. if you don’t have a reasonable role you’re considered lazy or undetermined. it’s discouraging. I know what I want to try but I don’t know how to get to where I want to be. I’m impatient. i think that whatever I end up doing I’ll have to approach it one step at a time rather than get discouraged or overwhelmed by the seeming impossibility or hopelessness of a goal. I’m not going to let these thoughts keep me from enjoying my college experience and whatnot but it’s something that’s always in the back of my mind. I’d love to just have an epiphany that makes me feel strongly about my future. Maybe I’m getting there. This quarter alone I freaken love my poli sci class like no other. It just makes me think about so many things I never put too much thought into. I walk out of there feeling empowered and it’s weird but for all i know petracca is just a great lecturer who makes everything sound important. Again I’m over thinking. I’m seriously my worst enemy. I really need to sleep before I drive myself completely crazy by staying up for the next few hours just thinking about this…
so I’ll do my best to lay these thoughts to rest.

Penis talk in bio. Mindblown by poli sci. Albertson’s run. played a revealing game where we were asked questions in the span of a minute. went to CVSA. Went to a LSG meeting (definitely joining this quarter. I’m so excited!). Bought my Sour Patch Kids!!! Celebrated Marlyn’s birthday with cake, balloons, and music. and yeah now I’m super tired…

I want to swim tomorrow!!

So ummm I might’ve been wrong about my poli sci 6B teacher. He is thought-provoking, well-spoken, witty, and intelligent, so far not pretentious lol I think I’ll enjoy this class if the upcoming lecture’s are any similar to today’s.

went to classes. got books for bio class. finally got my comic books. satisfied my kabob carving. now watching wrestling. 

wasn’t a bad day, but still need to read for poli sci, because he seems like that teacher who will not care if you haven’t read and pretend you know everything…

I realized yesterday that I am the worst verbal storyteller in the world! It was fun nonetheless. My love stories are awkward, but they’re not movie awkward-worthy :) Okay, winter quarter is almost over. I got my classes for spring quarter. Honestly, I don’t mind my late enrollment window. My major isn’t impacted enough to cause me so much enrollment frustration. Anyways, I don’t know if I should read the textbook for one of my classes right now because it was honestly useless in the midterm. These are decisions I can semi-deal with though so I’ll figure it out soon. My decision process is really complicated like the other day when I was hungry but not hungry so I was talking to my roommate about it and ended up driving her crazy over my unnecessarily complicated method of deciding whether I should eat late or not. In the end, I decided against it, but it took me a while to get there. Okay that was pointless. I just came here to talk about my bad storytelling and ended up talking about eating. Well on the subject of eating, I’ve been eating a lot less than usual. I wanted to say that it was because I was pretty sick for a bit last week, but I’m not now so maybe I just haven’t had much of an appetite and my body is getting used to this! Oh no. I should eat something heavier later, since I’ve only eaten cereal, a bit of pasta salad, and 3/4 of an orange because I didn’t want to trust that strangely colored piece. Okay this is longer than I intended it. I need to get myself to class…and maybe get my essay back. We’ll see. 

My roommate and her family have generously decided to take me to different restaurants with different types of foods, considering that when I eat out I go to places like mcdonalds, or subway, and such. I’ve gone to a few places and I’m pretty much going to make a list of the places they’ve taken me to so far :) I’ll update it by date but right now I’ll list the places I’ve been to so far.

1. Cheescake Factory

2. Wood Ranch

3. El Torito (birthday)

4. PF Chang’s (some Friday we had off)

5. Islands

6. Sharky’s

and yeah.

and oh taco bell (but that’s not a “real” restaurant)

Last fall quarter I felt like I was doing more things, seeing more people, and feeling better. This time around I feel uninspired with brief interruptions of spontaneity and social activities to look forward to. I didn’t save enough money for driving school so I think I’ll end up doing it during the summer. Kickboxing was fun but I’m someone who gets bored if there’s nothing new and I think that because it wasn’t a kickboxing class but rather a kickboxing-moves-based exercise class I didn’t want to go back to it three days in a row. I think that I prefer to learn something new, even in exercising, so I’m planning on taking jiu jitsu’s self defense class and then also rush for LSG. I just hope the two don’t conflict. I have realized that I feel as though I’ve had a good day when I exercise so I need to make a bigger effort in making room for it on most days. It’ll get me out of my funk…