F*** it, I feel great

I haven’t written here for a while, but I’ve finally had time to really focus and do so today.  I wanted to write about this last week because it related to my poli sci class and the discussion of women. It dealt with the fact that women are raised to worry about their appearance from an early age rather than virtue or character, as appearance is always put ahead. It made me think of my own experiences when I was a young girl and how my extended family would try to pressure me to look a certain way and act a certain way. They would acknowledge that I was smart, but at the same time they’d find ways to criticize my appearance. I never considered my mother someone who was intensely feminist, but looking back at it, looking at the way she raised me, I feel that she was…at least when it came to her expectations of me. She made sure to trust and support the teachers who intellectually challenged me throughout my young life. Instead of emphasizing appearance, she emphasized the importance of me staying true to my values and reaching for educational achievement rather than focusing on succumbing to pressure that my grandmother put on me to look a certain way. The thing that my grandmother didn’t and doesn’t know about me to this day is that the more someone told me not to do something or that I shouldn’t the more I’d remain doing it, not out of spite, but because my choices were my choices. My mom has come to understand this, and she knows that in the end I’ll figure out what’s best for me and if I can’t I’ll ask her for help. So, I don’t know. I guess the reason I wrote this is because I realized that I’m more feminist than I thought and it’s hugely due to mother taking action when she did and I’m very grateful for that. In many ways I feel like I’m the family rebel who didn’t rebel, at least not typically. I had no reason to rebel my mother. I only rebelled in opinions, but even then I never tried to hurt her purposefully since she’s why I am where I am. (hmmm…maybe I can get this tattooed!) Yeah, I’m just really happy that she knew how to raise me. The reason I never rebelled was because I never needed to, and I don’t do so now. Sure I’m doing new things whenever I can, but I know myself enough to know what changes I can handle and what changes I won’t. I don’t think I’m any better than my family members who made mistakes in their past. I sometimes feel like the oddball around them because they know me as the one who’s done “good” for herself. As much as I pride myself on staying true to myself and making my own choices, this wouldn’t be possible without my mother. 

I think that my family does little things to be reminded of me when I’m not here. For example when I left The Crow at home once my mom watched it because she knew that it was one of my favorite movies. When I once told her to cut her hair in layers, a month or so after I left to Irvine I came back and found that she cut her hair the way I advised her to months ago. When I told my youngest brother that I got into watching wrestling again he started to get into it a bit more too. Whenever I’m home he talks to me about it because he knows that it’s a way for us to have a conversation about something we both now enjoy. I don’t know if my oldest young brother holds on to anything but he listens to RHCP a lot which I introduced him to years ago. I don’t know. Maybe this is all me just trying to find something that they remember me by when I’m gone…but I think I’m on to something…at least a bit. I know that I for one keep my mom’s ring and look at my brothers’ pictures to keep them with me even when I’m at Irvine. Whatever it may mean or not mean, to me it means everything and I hold on to this assumption.

Remembering some recent family conversations

I’ve learned that it is very difficult to explain what an English major is to some of my family members. I just say that it’s like analyzing literature, and yet they don’t get it. I don’t mind if they don’t because honestly I can’t fully explain what it means to be an English major. It’s easier to try and explain something like a Business, Economics, Biology, or Engineering major, but I’m none of those so all my family knows is that I’m going to college and that I tell them I may become a teacher. It’s not far from the truth but it’s not what I am certain on, but I rather just leave it at that than tell them that I’m not completely sure about my future…

Well I’m pretty set on something right now, but I don’t know if I want to tell them about my ambitious desires. They wouldn’t find it practical. As important as taking care of family is to me, I want to make my mark as an individual before I think about only supporting my family or starting one. It’s a lot pressure. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so set on doing so many things. It would make life a lot easier…but I don’t want to live an easy life. Yeah, that’s just another problem. I make everything too complicated for myself.

Thanksgiving feast:

- battled for food :p 

- realized that my dad’s side of the family is super shy around non-immediate family members.

- observed guys talk about girls and mess with each other.

- talked about cases from reality shows like Hoarders and My Strange Addiction, and how it’s all a traumatic thing. For example, some lady lost her husband, kept his ashes, ate them once, and got addicted to them, and since his ashes were running out she began freaking out. Then there was a guy who had a doll made for him so that he could have the perfect woman. He talked to the doll as if it were a normal person, and took her out to eat. Then there was a lady who was OCD and she began cleaning herself with Clorox, to get rid of her dirtiness. We just talked about stuff like that for a bit. 

- then we got our secret santa assignments.

- next, women went in a room and started looking at purses and bags. I fell in love with this one beautiful black and white lacey one agh (Don’t judge me.)

- then, talked with my cousin and his cousin about college partying and apartment life.

- then everyone started talking about government conspiracy theories, you know Big Brother type of stuff, and how something big might happen in the 2012 olympics :o

- then more food! :p

- What a lovely thanksgiving :)

- My favorite one yet.

There is no better way to know how you’ve progressed than seeing people you haven’t seen in months. I went to a family member’s party and most people told me that  they noticed something different about me, something good, a change. I came across as more free and assured and I feel that way. I’m more independent now than I was a little over a month ago and I just feel good. IDK It was really nice to see friends and family members again. They wished for the best and I appreciated their faith in me. They inspire me to be the best I can be and I’d love to be as self-assured and fulfilled as they are someday.

I love Fridays. Yesterday, friends and I were just thinking about playing wii sport and just dance 2. Somehow this turned into a latino dance party in our living room, that went on until 2:30 am. It was spontaneous and everyone just let their dance moves (or lack of for me) loose. I haven’t been this comfortable to just not care about what people think of me in years. Usually, I’d hold back so I wouldn’t break my image, but I could care less about that here. I’m not doing anything that’s considered bad, you know. It’s just that I have no problem dancing in front of my friends, like I did before. It’s a different comfort.

I’m not as comfortable talking to people about more personal things. Yesterday, before the spontaneous night, my roommate, neighbor, and I went to our RA’s apartment to hang out, eat, and watch movie, and while they were getting personal about their family history and things I knew that if I started to talk about it, I would end up in tears. Family history isn’t something I can talk about without getting a bit upset, especially when I talk about my dad. His passing definitely allowed me to grow, and I don’t even know if I’d be the person I am or have the motivation I have if things turned out differently. It’s been 12 years and I still think about him often. I don’t know. I can talk about it, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it yesterday.

Anyways, overall yesterday is a reason why I love college. I’m not getting drunk, high, and stuff like that but I am more comfortable with myself. Yup personal progress is the best.  

I get sad when I see a very talented young kid and realize that their education may cause their fire to burn out. I have two young cousins who are very creative and I feel that being a part of LAUSD will hurt them more than benefit them. They may get bored because of their limits and I really hope that they don’t lose their inquisitive minds. I know that I miss a lot of the qualities that my young self had but I also admire qualities that I’ve developed and am grateful for the things I’ve learned. I almost feel like the Catcher in the Rye though lol I guess I’m more concerned about my cousins’ future choices more than anything else.

I’ve been freaking out all week over, what in the bigger picture of life seems trivial, transcripts. I couldn’t sleep well yesterday because I was just worrying and questioning questions that were answered, but not as clear as I’d like. I called admissions again today and asked all these questions, and I feel less freaked out but not enough to feel at ease. honestly, the only thing that’s keeping me from freaking out the entire day is reading my book. I just want the upcoming week to pass by quickly so that I can turn in another copy of my transcript at orientation, get my classes, and get my new contract for campus apartments. I could’ve taken my transcript today because my aunt offered to ask my uncle to take me, but feeling embarrassed and guilty over always feeling like a charity case, I decided that I’d just deal with it on my own and not bother anyone with my problems. I’m dedicated to learning how to drive by the end of this year. I’ll find an inexpensive driving school and figure it out. I don’t want my friends and family feel obliged to help me. I know that if I was in their position I’d have no problem doing what I can to help them. I just don’t want to be the person that people feel they need to help. I am very grateful for what my friends and family have done over the years but I can’t help but feel a bit ashamed of not alway being able to depend on myself. Some may argue that that’s what friend and family are for, support. I don’t know maybe because I never ask for emotional support it’s easier for my friends and family to support me in other ways. I don’t know. All I know is that I do love and appreciate my friends and family and I think I feel guilt over not alway being able to provide them with the same support they give me. I guess that’s the deeper thing that I’ve been worrying about this week. Guilt. I’ll just go read now.

I’d rather see my brothers argue with me than with each other.

I love them. They mean the world to me. I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s that simple :)