I haven’t written on here for a while. tumblr is hardly on my mind nowadays. not much is on my mind in terms of lingering thoughts. I’ve found new ways of coping. so sometimes I wonder if I’ve run out of things to write about. maybe I’m growing up…without writing as a reliever anymore…and this troubles me. I’m letting go of things in order to make room for the new things in my life. the changes. the improvements. the drive. I don’t know if it’s the time of year but I’ve become more focused recently. I hate saying no to people in order to keep my priorities straight but I know the things I’m doing now are necessary for me…and writing hasn’t been necessary lately. i just hope that despite everything (including the periods i go without writing) writing remains one of those things that doesn’t change about me but rather strengthens its presence through new experiences and goals. yet, at the end of the day i’ll always go back to writing. I don’t think my introspective and analytical impulses will allow me let go of it that easily just as I couldn’t let myself go to sleep without writing this down.
I tried some clothes on earlier today (pants that fit me tight last year) and now they fit me with some room left and everything. I was so happy but I honestly chose a horrible time to check how they fit me. I should’ve waited…
OR I can use that to keep myself motivated when I get back to Irvine, or once today’s festivities are done. Either way, it’s nice to see the changes :D
I thought that I would always have a passion for journalism and being a journalist. I now come to find that this passion has fizzled. I look back and try to remember and pinpoint the time that this happened. I remember being excited about joining my high school newspaper but by the end of my time in high school that wasn’t the case anymore. I didn’t want to write, edit, or be involved with a newspaper anymore. I really believed that it was just because I needed a break or needed to get inspired again. I thought that I’d quickly jump at the chance to join New U but after seeing the drive and determination in one of my classmates I quickly saw that I didn’t have this drive anymore.Now, I try to remember why I loved journalism in the first place, why it excited me, and why or how that excitement and happiness stopped.
I was attracted to journalism because I knew that I could make a difference by helping people become informed, aware, and hopefully inspired as well. Our newspaper would make a difference with students a few times, but despite this I wasn’t satisfied. I began going through the motions and became frustrated. I loved that journalism was part of my high school experience but since then I’ve hesitated to be a part of the school newspaper again. I think about being involved in it and can’t help but think of it as work, rather than the great opportunity it really is. Writing isn’t something that I’m great at but no one has ever told me that I’m bad, so the writing portion of journalism isn’t what I dread, neither is the criticism. I LOVE when my writing is constructively criticized and taken apart! It’s strange but it gives me something to keep striving for, goals, improvements, etc. During my last year in journalism, I didn’t get much criticism, and I felt that things became stale, which brought about my frustrations.
I always thought that I was someone who looked to perfect things, but I realize that perfection isn’t what I look for. I look for progress and once I stop that progression, I don’t want to continue being a part of that which I was a part of. I want to move on to new things that will allow me to make new goals for myself and excite me. Therefore my interest in joining the newspaper hasn’t been as strong as it was before. It’s not to say that I feel I’ve become the best I can be. Instead, I feel that I at this point in my life I care more about educating myself on social issues and looking for ways to directly be a positive influence than seeing my writing on a newspaper in hopes of making a difference. I’d love to be excited again and care again but I don’t at this moment. I find myself wanting to volunteer again…I miss that more than journalism. I miss meeting new people that I can learn from and who can hopefully learn from me too. I want to make the impact that many of my mentors had on me on others. I feel that I can make a similar difference.
Honestly, maybe I should embrace that I will become a teacher one day and I know I’ll be good at it…or try to be the best that I can.
I always thought that doing a triathlon would be really awesome. hmmm. Maybe I’ll work towards that after I learn how to swim and can run for much longer than a minute :)
Goals this school year.
- take my written driving test this fall (since I’ve finally studied for it :))
- take driving classes during winter quarter (or sooner)
- work out every day (or at least 5 times a week)
- save up money to buy a used car this summer.
- learn how to swim (or remember lol)
- have a successful rush this fall and maybe spring quarter as well.
- declare my double major with political science and english.
- get my GPA to a 3.5 by the end of spring quarter.
- and I’m sure I’ll have more to come (probably in the form of clubs and organizations).
- get a job
- meet some friends at orientation, see if anyone plays the bass so I can have some lessons :( lol
- read Lord of the Rings. I’ve had the trilogy for years but have only read half of fellowship so I think I’ll start all over again and read all of it this time.
- watch more movies
- read more, in general
- eat better (I’ve done it for a month now so I can keep doing it for the summer, I hope) and exercise with exercise videos.
- hang out with close friends :)
- appreciate my family as much as I can.
- study/pass the written driving test.
This past school year has inspired me to watch more movies, old and new. I’ve fallen in love with film this past year more than ever. I’ve considered pursuing screenwriting for a few years now but the more movies I watch and the more I analyze what makes them good and what makes them bad the more I feel that I will at least write one in my lifetime. Maybe it’s just a dream but I can’t think like that. Most successful people didn’t get to where they were by discouraging themselves; so, I’ll try my best not to do that to myself with this pursuit or any future pursuit for that matter.
Inspired by Christina, I have decided to come up with four things I will do when I’m eighteen, not that exact day but in that year.
1. get a job
2. buy a lotto ticket
4. watch a rated-r movie in theatres
and one personal and achievable goal
1. write haikus daily for one year. I don’t know if I should do this when I turn 18 or new year’s eve.