F*** it, I feel great

I feel like I’m just going through these motions in college. not to sound cocky but I feel that going to college was the easy and safe choice for me. it’s four more years for me to decide what to do with my life. instead of going out into the real world to experience it and use that experience to figure myself out I went to college to remain dependent on my education safety net for a few more years. this quarter system keeps me busy but then when I have a break I feel lost and useless like I’m not doing enough in my life, just waiting. when I’m taking classes, I feel mentally stimulated and such but I ask myself for what? why is me knowing more things so important? I love learning new things and ways of thinking but I wonder how it’s going to help me live a happier life. will it? over the past year I’ve grown to accept myself more, but there’s this side of me that is constantly nagging at me and asking “seriously what are you going to do? where will you go from here?” it makes me mad because society expects us to find a way of being useful to society after college but I don’t know what my role will be. if you don’t have a reasonable role you’re considered lazy or undetermined. it’s discouraging. I know what I want to try but I don’t know how to get to where I want to be. I’m impatient. i think that whatever I end up doing I’ll have to approach it one step at a time rather than get discouraged or overwhelmed by the seeming impossibility or hopelessness of a goal. I’m not going to let these thoughts keep me from enjoying my college experience and whatnot but it’s something that’s always in the back of my mind. I’d love to just have an epiphany that makes me feel strongly about my future. Maybe I’m getting there. This quarter alone I freaken love my poli sci class like no other. It just makes me think about so many things I never put too much thought into. I walk out of there feeling empowered and it’s weird but for all i know petracca is just a great lecturer who makes everything sound important. Again I’m over thinking. I’m seriously my worst enemy. I really need to sleep before I drive myself completely crazy by staying up for the next few hours just thinking about this…
so I’ll do my best to lay these thoughts to rest.

I’d never know about boba if I didn’t see it on ring road. I’ve drank boba twice this week and have no regrets :) Too hard to resist.

I realized yesterday that I am the worst verbal storyteller in the world! It was fun nonetheless. My love stories are awkward, but they’re not movie awkward-worthy :) Okay, winter quarter is almost over. I got my classes for spring quarter. Honestly, I don’t mind my late enrollment window. My major isn’t impacted enough to cause me so much enrollment frustration. Anyways, I don’t know if I should read the textbook for one of my classes right now because it was honestly useless in the midterm. These are decisions I can semi-deal with though so I’ll figure it out soon. My decision process is really complicated like the other day when I was hungry but not hungry so I was talking to my roommate about it and ended up driving her crazy over my unnecessarily complicated method of deciding whether I should eat late or not. In the end, I decided against it, but it took me a while to get there. Okay that was pointless. I just came here to talk about my bad storytelling and ended up talking about eating. Well on the subject of eating, I’ve been eating a lot less than usual. I wanted to say that it was because I was pretty sick for a bit last week, but I’m not now so maybe I just haven’t had much of an appetite and my body is getting used to this! Oh no. I should eat something heavier later, since I’ve only eaten cereal, a bit of pasta salad, and 3/4 of an orange because I didn’t want to trust that strangely colored piece. Okay this is longer than I intended it. I need to get myself to class…and maybe get my essay back. We’ll see. 

I don’t like to socialize much but when I do I prefer getting to know people who I already know better. Yesterday for instance was a good social day, or night. My roommate and I talked about politics and family for over an hour. Then we went to our CVSA meeting and  conversed and laughed with some CVSA members for a lot longer than we intended. Then we hung out with Maria and Marlyn. We went out to eat with Marlyn and got to know her a bit more. By the end of the night I was socially exhausted lol I don’t know. But I’m excited for more socializing today. We’re going to a pre-game thing later tonight to hang out and talk more :) I’m sorry but I get happy over little things.

I went to my first bonfire ever today, and it was really cool. I went with a sorority, which I never thought I’d do. Sure I ditched kickboxing for it today, but it was definitely worth it. The girls were sweet, down to earth, and just very easy to talk to. This experience changed my opinion about sororities, or rushing at least. I can definitely see myself in this sorority, which is a great thing. We came back and I realized I smelled like bonfire smoke…but I loved it. It proved to be a great college experience :)

Friday night fail.

- We got ready to go to the mixer at Mesa to find out that less than thirty people were there… We ended up going back to our apartment and now I’m eating my sorrows away with trail mix and corn nuts and trying to change my tumblr theme.

- Angie and I are going to the CC to look for a movie though so we’ll see how that goes.

Let’s see updates.

1. Kickboxing is really cool but I’m not quick with getting the kickboxing choreography :( I’ll learn it though. I have to. I didn’t wake up sore today, probably because I was so confused during the first lesson. Either way I’m going back for more.

2. My friends dyed my hair a dark auburn color, so it’s not very noticeable but for a first time being dyed I really like it :) My goal is to dye it a more noticeable dark red (auburn) color, and finally have the red hair I’ve always wanted.

3. I got my friend Christina’s lovely letter! I’ll write one to her very soon :)

4. For now that was it, I think. It’s nice to be back :)

Fall grades 

Read More

I usually get most of the books I read from the library, so I’m placing holds on the books in my winter reading list. However, on Kafka on the Shore, I placed in 3rd. Realistically, I won’t be able to get the book within the next week or two. So just to make sure that I read a certain amount of pages during this winter break, I updated a reading list.

- One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

 - The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

- The Believers by Zoe Heller

- As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner

So here’s my new list and hopefully I’ll be able to buy some books at the next vendor fair at UCI :)

Update (12-15-11): So Kafka On The Shore is available for me to pick up! Yay. I think I’ll figure out what books to read based on my interest in them once I pick them up.

Packing for Big Bear trip and winter break…

so many things! This is worse than packing to move in to CV.

P.S. It’s just my luck to find my packets of chamomile tea when the fall quarter is over…